Intimacy is a fragile thing. Hurt and anger can damage it.

One of the things you can do to create more intimacy is to start focusing on the things you love and like about your partner and make sure they know it!

Particularly people who have been together for a while, assume that their partner should just know that they love and like those things about them. Yet all the while, they are nagging, judging and criticizing the things they don’t like or that their partner isn’t doing. That generally gets you less intimacy and more arguments. So, quit nagging, judging and criticizing! What you focus on, will create more of what you are focusing on, so focus on the good things, the things you appreciate, the things they do that you can be acknowledging, affirming, appreciating and anticipating with joy. Everyone wants to be acknowledged and appreciated. The thing is as you do this for your partner you begin to see more things about them that you like and love and they start seeing more things that they can like and love about you. Doing the four things below consistently and appropriately will create more intimacy. You do need to do them consistently and you really need to stop the judging, criticizing and nagging. For those are the things that can really kill intimacy. I dare you to do these four things below consistently for thirty days and see what happens!

Admiration – This is the giving of compliments or praise to something good that you notice. E.g., You’re such a great cook.”

Affirmation – This is a specific statement for increase or endurance. E.g., I am so happy you received that raise, you deserved it!

Appreciation – This is an expression of gratitude that something good exists or has happened. E.g., “Thank you for helping me”; I appreciate the wonderful healthy dinner you made.”

Anticipation – This is a statement for the future. E.g., “We’re going to have a great time at the concert!”

Do it and let me know what happens for you!

Love and Light,

Couples Therapy, Relationship and Marriage Counselling Victoria BC, Nadine Hanchar

Author of “Knowing Me, Knowing You – The PEP Personality Process

Nadine Hanchar helps individuals and businesses build better relationships, discover new choices, new perspectives, and create success. Nadine is a counsellor, consultant, speaker, and trainer with over 35 years’ experience helping others professionally. She is a bestselling author and specializes in working with trauma, abuse, relationship issues, and communication. Learn more at and connect with Nadine on FacebookLinkedIn, Twitter and Instagram.

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