In-to-me-see created by closeness and connection!

As I have stated previously there are 10 things which I believe are really important factors to having a healthy relationship. A relationship which will stand the test of time, of stresses and of the challenges life brings. These are the things I call the relationship fundamentals and I will be going over each of them here on my blog.

Fundamental # 6 is Closeness and Connection

“To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on holy ground.”  Stephen Covey

When you show your partner that you are committed, and that you are working on becoming an effective authentic communicator who is willing to be real and open up fully, the basis for a deep connection has already been set. Discover what makes your partner feel close to you and communicate what you need in order to feel close to him/her. Not all roads to intimacy are the same—become aware of and respect these differences.

“Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.”   C. S. Lewis

Connection can also be created by rituals that support a loving environment.

Greet your partner every day with a hug and a kiss and say I love you at least once a day. Whether it is the first thing you do upon waking up or the first thing you do when they arrive home at night, this is a powerful way to reaffirm your bond every day. It is also a pleasant way to reconnect with each other. It is also powerful to say “Goodnight” to each other before going to bed or spend even a few moments cuddling before sleep.

Create closeness by finding something to appreciate about your partner every day and communicate that to them. It can be as simple as a “thank you” for something they have done or giving them a sincere compliment or simply telling them you love waking up next to them. This communication needs to be honest and sincere and can be extremely powerful in putting a smile on your partner’s face particularly when they are having a bad day.

Mutual reciprocity is an ongoing, back and forth process of communication between two people in relationship which creates connection. Daily, ongoing reciprocal confirmation is necessary for the stability and long life of a relationship. If each partner can feel fully loved by the other, then you have the ingredients that cement a relationship. Partners confirm to one another by sending verbal and non-verbal messages that declare value and worth as a human being; that he or she is cherished, appreciated and truly loved and that the relationship is special to both. When those messages are reciprocal, a connection is made and security is established which allows trust to grow.

It is important to have stability in the closeness function or connection of a relationship. Most relationships have a threshold as to how much distance the partners can tolerate between each other. Exceeding that threshold creates tension in the relationship. Both partners will react in order to bring the relationship back into stability. These reactions may cause pain in the relationship. Many couples during this distancing may not choose to be authentic or feel unable to say, “Right now I need closeness with you. I feel uncomfortable being distant”. Can we work this out? If they are not able to be authentic or verbalize that clearly, then often the couple will opt to manipulation. It is better to be straight with one another. Being manipulative in order to fulfill needs creates alienation and distrust in the other partner and the relationship will ultimately be threatened. Couples need a minimum of 14 hours a week of uninterrupted attention with each other. Some may require even more uninterrupted attention and time to create the closeness and connection they need.


  • How do you feel connected to a partner? What has to be there for you to feel connected?
  • What makes you feel emotionally close to a partner?
  • What rituals are you willing to do to create closeness and connection?