There are basically six so called negative emotions out of which all other negatively flavoured emotions are a combination or nuance of. These six emotions are; anger, fear, hurt sadness, guilt and shame.

First I would like to propose that anger, fear, hurt and sadness only become negative emotions if we hold on to them and don’t bring them to resolution. I also want to say that these emotions all have a positive function.

Second I would like to propose that guilt and shame are not really emotions at all but are learned standards that we have either adopted or have been pushed upon us.

Anger and Fear are a secondary response which comes out of an instinct all humans have called the fight or flight response. Anger lets us know if someone has crossed one of our boundaries. Fear on the other hand is telling us there is possible danger and we need to leave or proceed with caution.

Hurt has to do with our higher boundaries our right to be respected, loved, etc. which is why people often say, that underneath every anger, there is a hurt. So we feel hurt when someone crosses these higher boundaries.

Sadness has to do with letting go…. letting go of someone who has passed on, letting go of a child leaving home, letting go of a relationship, letting go of a dream, letting go of an old treasure etc.

Anger, fear, hurt and sadness are all felt for the same reasons around the globe. It does not matter what culture or religion you come from if someone crosses your boundaries or if there is danger or if you are letting go of something you will feel these emotions. It goes beyond and above culture, upbringing and religion.

These e~motions or energy in motion – gives you the energy to take action on what is happening in the present. If you do what you need to do and bring it to resolution the emotion dissipates and clears.

The difference with guilt and shame is they do not really have a positive function. They do make us feel bad after the fact. They rarely prevent anyone from doing something. There are many in our jails who feel guilty or shamed by what they did to be in jail and yet it would be unlikely that this would prevent them from doing it again if they were let out.

Guilt and shame are totally dependent on culture- religion- upbringing and the standards that you have been taught as good/bad, right/wrong etc. You may feel guilty or shameful about something your neighbour, your boss, your friend from a different culture or religion feels totally okay about.

In my counselling practise I find that guilt and shame can keep people stuck and often when people feel bad about themselves they do things to punish themselves or stop caring what they do which can lead to many things!

So I am proposing that people give up guilt and shame, and before you can say then what is supposed to stop us from doing bad/wrong behaviours. The thing that has really always prevented people from doing or not doing something is our Values. Our Values are what motivate us and our values are how we re-evaluate what we have done. Guess what and no guilt or shame is needed in that process.

Here is a Quote and a little anecdote out of the Ode Magazine that makes you think…..

“A friend of mine once saw the Dalai Lama speak at a conference. He told me that from the audience several questions arose, and one of the people was asking something about guilt and how to deal with it. Then, to everyone’s surprise, this lengthy conversation started between the Dalai Lama and his interpreter. The Dalai Lama just didn’t understand the question and kept getting back to his interpreter to clarify. In fact, as it happened, the Dalai Lama was not aware of a concept that we call “guilt!” Isn’t that wonderful? Guilt is the emotion that one has done something wrong. But: what if you just don’t do something wrong?”

So Ode is proposing “What if we didn’t do anything wrong?” I am proposing the same thing, what if everything was just feedback and learning. What if we focused more on have good values and less on feeling bad…?

Work on resolving your emotions and letting go of your guilt and shame for they have no positive function!

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by G.K. Chesterton

Reflection on where we have been is an important step in learning from our past and in bringing those lessons with us into the present in a positive way. I have noticed though that it is often a step that many do not make the time for. Thinking it is a waste of time or that there isn’t enough time or that focusing ahead is the important thing to do. This often leads to people not learning from what they have done and often repeating the lesson again and sometimes even again after that!

Yes, focusing on where you are going is important and learning and seeing where you can improve is equally important.

I have developed a set of questions that you can use to reflect and regroup your experiences which are designed to keep you positively focused, acknowledge your accomplishments, learn from situations which didn’t go the way you wanted them too and to look for the benefit in every situation that you have encountered.

I think reflection and regrouping is critically important to being successful because it allows your unconscious mind to stay focused and keep your energy available to you. It helps to keep you looking for the positives and in staying motivated. I suggest you take ten minutes every day and reflect and regroup. Below are a few questions you can use to assist you in getting the best benefit from it.

Regrouping Questions:

• What did I accomplish today?
• What happened today and what did I learn from it?
• What would I do differently next time, if anything?
• What is one positive thing or my highlight that I can take away from today?
• How will I apply what I learned today in my life?

These questions come out of my journal and workbook, called “A Book To Live By”!

I wish all of you success in your endeavors and I hope you find this useful!

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Do you give presentations or maybe you just like to tell great stories to your friends! Well sometimes the message you think you are giving is not the one that is being received.

I remember an incident when I was at one of my training sessions and was having to critique one of my colleagues. She was from Germany spoke excellent English and was a very good looking women and I mention this because of what her body language was saying.

She was talking on a very interesting and serious topic so her words reflected that and her tone and volume of voice was good, however her physiology and body language were saying different things. As she was talking and walking back and forth upon the stage she would take her glasses off slowly, pause and then gently tuck them into her blouse just between her cleavage and although she didn’t mean to be suggestive after about the third time of her doing this, I thought the male participants were paying more attention to other things and little attention to her words. When I spoke to her afterwards she had no idea the affect her body language was having on the audience, in fact she didn’t even realize she was doing that with her glasses as it was a habit she had developed so she didn’t lose her glasses. After a discussion with the male participants in the group who admitted that they found the glasses quite fascinating and sensual and did have a hard time hearing her words because of it, she realized she needed to change her physiology and body language to be more professional. This was a great example of how we may be so focused on what we are saying that we are not paying attention to what we are doing.

Another time I was watching a women give a talk and she was very earnest and had really good points however her body language was one of pleading with the audience. Her message was good but it lost it’s power because of her pleading stance.

So first it is important to know what it is you do. Second it is about learning how to use your body language to be taken seriously when you want that, to create humour or flare, when you want that etc. in other words to use the language of the body to enhance your presentation instead of giving messages you are not wanting it to give!

One of the ways to learn this is through the Satir Model, which was developed by Virginia Satir who is considered the mother of family therapy. She recognized different stances that people would constantly move through when they were under stress. Utilizing her five stances in positive ways allows the person to create the desired effect they want verses the unconscious effect they may not even know they are having.

The five stances are: The Blamer, The Placater, The Computer, The Distractor and The Leveler. Used appropriately these can really add to your presentation and used inappropriately they can really take away from your presentation.

The Blamer points at the audience with a finger or a whole hand palm down. This can be confronting or have a person feel singled out. Can be affect for certain things if used sparingly.

The Placater usually has palms up toward the audience and often has a slight lean as well. This can be seen as pleading but used effectively can be good.

The Computer usually stands straight up with their arms crossed and doesn’t move much. This can be boring and again used purposively can be affective.

The Distractor is when your body is not symmetrical. This can be very distracting and can also used appropriately give the presentation some pizzazz.

The Leveler is a relaxed balanced pose and great for when you want to be taken seriously.

So you may want to have someone watch your next presentation with your body language in mind and find out what your body language is saying!

Hoped you enjoyed this post! If you have any feedback or questions please feel free to e-mail me, thanks!

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Ask yourself…

Do you feel you aren’t being taken seriously?

Do others get more credit for saying similar things?

Do you feel you get the respect you deserve when you speak?

Do people doubt you or feel uncertain about your expertise?

These things may be going on and you may not even know it or you could be confused by not getting that raise or promotion or maybe not getting called back to do another presentation.

One of the things I have found with women who present on almost any topic is that as women particularly Canadian women we have been conditioned to elicit agreement with our tonality. I find that this is sometimes so ingrained that most women don’t even know they are doing it.

The problem is that when they use this tonality they are often not taken as seriously as men or given as much credit for their work. People can even doubt that what they are saying is true or not give them the attention they deserve. They could be an expert in their field, really know their topic and yet not be as respected as they could be.

Universally there are three tonalities that people use during speech. The first one is questioning tonality, the second is statement tonality and the third is command tonality.

Questioning tonality goes up on the end of the sentence

Statement tonality stays the same at the end of the sentence

Command tonality goes down at the end of the sentence

Many women end almost every sentence with questioning tonality and what this does internally for the speaker is to ask for agreement. What this does to their listening audience internally is to create doubt or uncertainty.

One of the things I love about being a coach is that when I can critique a person’s presentation and assist them in being more effective, more respected and taken more seriously. They feel better and they have more success and I know that I have been a small part of the journey. To me that is success!

So women, here is your tip; when you are speaking it is best to stay in statement tonality or command tonality and a combination of the two is even better. Even when you ask a question get into the habit of doing it in statement tonality and you will be surprised by how this can change things for you!

I hope this assists you in being more successful! If you would like to share your success with me I would love to hear from you!

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Fundamental # 10: Intimacy and Sexuality

“The more connections you and your lover make, not just between your bodies, but between your minds, your hearts, and your souls, the more you will strengthen the fabric of your relationship, and the more real moments you will experience together.”   -Barbara De Angelis

Intimacy in relationship is much more that sex, although sex is also important. Intimacy encompasses more; it is about being real and authentic, it is about being sensitive to your partner’s needs, likes and feelings, it is about loving physical affection and touching, spending time together and it is about regular communication. I believe it is also about being able to laugh and share together about everything.

As human beings we need physical touch, studies have shown with infants that having loving touch regularly assists in brain development and in adults it boosts our body’s levels of oxytocin one of the hormones that assists us in bonding and forming attachments. This is what Psychology Today says” Oxytocin is a powerful hormone. When we hug or kiss a loved one, oxytocin levels drive up.” Realize all of us need physical touch it is an important part of our being human. Regular loving touch and affection such as holding hands, hugging, or kissing assists us in maintaining intimacy.

Let’s talk about sex! In a primary relationship sex or making love is often a cornerstone of the relationship. Although it is important to realize that this should not be the only method of physical intimacy in the relationship, it is still important to make sex an active part of your relationship. Often life can get in the way for making that special time together to connect in that most intimate way. So it is important to make an effort to make that special time for each other.

As a relationship therapist I often get asked by both men and women “How often should we have sex?” Or “What amount of sex is normal?” According to a study published in the late 70s that surveyed both genders in 93 societies, men and women have roughly equal sex drives. This comes as a shock to some people. I have found it often depends on the individuals in the relationship, each of their sexual needs, what is going on in their lives, stress levels and of course if they are making the time to make love. So normal is what meets both people’s sexual needs in the relationship while still respecting the rest of their life, preferences and feelings. If both partners understand that this is important in the relationship and that they are still having feelings of sexual desire for each other, that they are willing to make time for making love, often if life get’s in the way most times it does not become an issue.

If however your partner does not know if you are still sexually attracted or it is unclear what your needs are or there is pressure to have sex when one of you is really not into it then issues can occur. Often this is a communication problem which has gotten out of hand…and can require some assistance in getting back on track.

So both intimacy and a healthy sex life are important to having a thriving and long lasting primary relationship!

Q.

• Do you allow your partner to see your underbelly?
• Do you share yourself with your partner?
• Do you and your partner regularly touch with affection, hugs and kisses?
• Do you let your partner know that you desire them?
• Are you taking responsibility for your own sexuality and letting your partner know what your needs, likes and preferences are?
• Are you making time to make love?

Relationship Advice I, Relationship Advice II, Relationship Advice III, Relationship Advice IV, Relationship Advice V, Relationship Advice VI, Relationship Advice VII, Relationship Advice III, Relationship Advice IX

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Fundamental # 9: Companionship

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.” – Anäis Nin

Companionship…

Relationship Advice I, Relationship Advice II, Relationship Advice III, Relationship Advice IV, Relationship Advice V, Relationship Advice VI, Relationship Advice VII, Relationship Advice III, Relationship Advice X

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Fundamental # 8 Respect and Trust

“I cannot conceive of a greater loss than the loss of one’s self-respect.”   Mahatma Gandhi

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Fundamental #7 Being a Team

“Teamwork: Simply stated, it is less me and more we.“ Unknown author

An important aspect of a primary relationship which is often not talked about is being a team. A team has many facets to it and I would like to cover at least a few here in this blog. I put it here as a fundamental because the successful long term relationships I have known over the years have always had this element to them. So it is important to understand the dynamics of a relationship team in order to strengthen your bond with your partner. This is something that can be learned and implemented into a relationship if both people are willing.

“No problem is insurmountable. With a little courage, teamwork and determination a person can overcome anything“ B. Dodge

When we think of a team we often think of a sports team or a work team and many of the same qualities that make up a good work or sports team also apply to the relationship team. Just as it is important to respect our individuality when we come together as a couple it is also really important to know we have just committed to being part of a team. Like any other team we may need to figure out the best way to work together as a team. It is human nature that we all want to be part of something greater than ourselves and when two people come together in love the two of souls make something much larger than just to people they become an “us“ and a “we“.

“The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway.”   Henry Boye

Elements of a good team are things like communication, respect, helpfulness and compromise. It is also important to be united, to have a united front with your children, your decisions, your values and your world.  Collaboration on decisions, both large and small, a willingness to discuss both people`s opinions and ideas.

When two people are in a relationship together, there will be disagreements. As a team player you must be willing to compromise for the good of the relationship, not just for the good of yourself. One partner always giving in to the other can build resentment over time. Compromise will allow both people to be able to get some things that they want, while sacrificing what they want for the other at times. Relationships, even the very best of them, are complicated and often challenging. Couples who are a team know how to get through the rough patches and still have fulfilling unions, they know how to compromise. Each partner is given the benefit of the doubt. A competitive, “I need to be right” attitude is the death knell to compromise. Practice give and take, and learn how to meet each other half way.

Share responsibilities and acknowledge and use each other’s strengths to get the everyday things accomplished. We don’t often like to hear this but sometimes other people can do things better than we can. There is nothing wrong with letting your partner wash the dishes if you are the better cook or taking turns depending on who wants to cook. The same thing; with cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry or paying the bills or keeping track of Birthdays or whatever else needs to get done. There is also the other alternative of doing some of the chores together (i.e., food shopping or laundry). Express appreciation for the hard work your partner did to handle the bills or cook a fabulous dinner. This will go a long way in creating a successful team and foundation for your relationship. Offer assistance when you can and be willing to accept assistance when it is offered to you.

Create some quiet time for yourself and your partner to be alone separately and to also be alone together. It is important to spend some time apart to allow each of you to recharge and do your own thing, being a team does not mean you have to live in each other`s pocket. Read a book or take a walk or go out with friends. Do whatever it is that you love to do when you need to recharge yourself. Sometimes you can be alone while you are both in the same house. My husband sometimes reads newspapers online while I read a book. We both do what helps us recharge and we can be together yet apart in the same space.

“Teamwork is working together — even when apart.“  Unknown author

Being a team player means you must also have courage, to show up and be real and the courage to contribute something to the relationship. What are you willing to bring to the relationship team? Intimate relationships involve risk and vulnerability, and often couples begin to hide emotionally from each other when the relationship hits obstacles. This was evident with a couple I counselled: The husband was somewhat subdued with his wife but was “the life of the party” with his friends and other couples. He stopped bringing his sense of humour and capacity for joy into his relationship with his wife after only five years of marriage. Being emotionally open, honest and vulnerable “REAL” with your partner is absolutely essential. If you feel comfortable enough to let down all of your defenses, allowing the deep core of you to be seen and responded to by your partner and your partner does the same, then you have an emotional relationship par excellence. Unfortunately many couples don’t do that. They play games with each other and wear masks. Playing games and using ineffective strategies to try to get your needs met does not work. It just causes arguments and misunderstandings. There is no teamwork when this happens it is more like a war of opposing sides. By both being real with each other you strengthen your team, build trust and become so much more than you can be alone. It`s worth the courage it takes.

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”  Anäis Nin

If you have ever played on a sports team who worked well together it is a wonderful feeling to know that your teammates have your back. It is the same in a relationship team each of you must know that the other has your back. This supports confidence, acceptance and strength in the relationship. Fostering a team spirit in a relationship is the ability to work together toward a common vision. Creating common goals and objectives together and working together towards achieving those goals or objectives. A couple operating as a team will direct individual accomplishments toward the objectives that nurture and allow the relationship to flourish. As a team the couple understands and believes that thinking, planning, making decisions and taking actions are better when they are done cooperatively. When you are working as a team problems that may seem insurmountable appear smaller because you have someone to solve them with. As a relationship team we are accountable to our team. We know that we both take responsibility for the successes and the failures, for the obstacles and the solutions. We share the load and the joys of life. A synergy develops over time which flows and supports trust and harmony.

“Synergy — the bonus that is achieved when things work together harmoniously.“  Mark Twain

Being a team includes compassion.  Compassion is the ability to listen deeply and show sympathy and understanding to your partner. Couples who practice compassion and kindness continuously feed love and send each other vital messages of caring. You would think that it’s easy for couples to shower each other with compassion, but this isn’t always the case. So often couples begin to take one another for granted and stop behaving in ways that demonstrate unsolicited kindness. As one husband recently said, “With all the stress I’m under, I don’t have the luxury of always being compassionate“ The assumption that you need heaps of time or that you need to be in the “right place” in your life in order to show compassion to others is not only incorrect, it’s a dangerous assumption. Make compassion a necessity in your relationship team, not a luxury. Weave it into the small acts of your daily life and you won’t even need to create extra time for it.

“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”  Mark Twain

Qs;

• Are you in a relationship team?
• How could your relationship team be improved?
• What could you do to be more of a team player?
• What do you need to bring to the relationship table?
• What are you bringing to the team?
• What’s one step you can take to improve your ability to compromise?
• How can you weave small acts of compassion into your daily life?

Relationship Advice I, Relationship Advice II, Relationship Advice III, Relationship Advice IV, Relationship Advice V, Relationship Advice VI, Relationship Advice VIII, Relationship Advice IX, Relationship Advice X

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Fundamental # 6 Closeness and Connection

“To touch the soul of another human being is to walk on holy ground.”  Stephen Covey

When you show your partner that you are committed, and that you are working on becoming an effective authentic communicator who is willing to be real and open up fully, the basis for a deep connection has already been set. Discover what makes your partner feel close to you and communicate what you need in order to feel close to him/her. Not all roads to intimacy are the same—become aware of and respect these differences.

“Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.”   C. S. Lewis

Connection can also be created by rituals that support a loving environment.

Greet your partner every day with a hug and a kiss and say I love you at least once a day. Whether it is the first thing you do upon waking up or the first thing you do when they arrive home at night, this is a powerful way to reaffirm your bond every day. It is also a pleasant way to reconnect with each other. It is also powerful to say “Goodnight” to each other before going to bed or spend even a few moments cuddling before sleep.

Find something to appreciate about your partner every day and communicate that to them. It can be as simple as a “thank you” for something they have done or giving them a sincere compliment or simply telling them you love waking up next to them. This communication needs to be honest and sincere and can be extremely powerful in putting a smile on your partner’s face particularly when they are having a bad day.

Mutual reciprocity is an ongoing, back and forth process of communication between two people in relationship which creates connection. Daily, ongoing reciprocal confirmation is necessary for the stability and long life of a relationship. If each partner can feel fully loved by the other, then you have the ingredients that cement a relationship. Partners confirm to one another by sending verbal and non-verbal messages that declare value and worth as a human being; that he or she is cherished, appreciated and truly loved and that the relationship is special to both. When those messages are reciprocal, a connection is made and security is established which allows trust to grow.

It is important to have stability in the closeness function or connection of a relationship. Most relationships have a threshold as to how much distance the partners can tolerate between each other. Exceeding that threshold creates tension in the relationship. Both partners will react in order to bring the relationship back into stability. These reactions may cause pain in the relationship. Many couples during this distancing may not choose to be authentic or feel unable to say, “Right now I need closeness with you. I feel uncomfortable being distant”. Can we work this out? If they are not able to be authentic or verbalize that clearly, then often the couple will opt to manipulation. It is better to be straight with one another. Being manipulative in order to fulfill needs creates alienation and distrust in the other partner and the relationship will ultimately be threatened. Couples need a minimum of 14 hours a week of uninterrupted attention with each other. Some may require even more uninterrupted attention and time to create the closeness and connection they need.

Qs;

• How do you feel connected to a partner? What has to be there for you to feel connected?
• What makes you feel emotionally close to a partner?
• What rituals are you willing to do to create closeness and connection?

Relationship Advice I, Relationship Advice II, Relationship Advice III, Relationship Advice IV, Relationship Advice V, Relationship Advice VII, Relationship Advice VIII, Relationship Advice IX, Relationship Advice X

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Fundamental # 5 Communicating and relating:

Communication is the life blood of our relationship because relationships are all about relating! We can communicate in many different ways, it’s not only the words we say, we also communicate through our body language, attitudes, behaviours, tones of voice and touch.

To quote Anthony Robbins; “To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”

It is important to learn how to bridge our differences instead of judging them. Consistent and frequent communication is vital to all relationships and most important in our primary relationship. This includes, sharing and discussing your feelings, thoughts, intentions and desires, doing things together, doing things for each other, affection and touch. The more you let your partner know about what goes on in your head or the feelings you are having or your dreams, hopes, intentions or desires the better he or she will be able to integrate you and your needs into what he or she does, ultimately leading to a much more enjoyable and healthy experience.

Many people expect their partner or friend to be able to read their mind or think that it is obvious what you are thinking or feeling. This is totally unfair to your partner and is an unhealthy assumption that often leads to problems. It is your responsibility as a healthy partner to convey what you need/desire/want from your partner and be willing to listen to their needs/desires/wants. It is also important to feel comfortable expressing your personal boundaries and saying no when it is appropriate to do so. You both must feel that your opinion is respected and accepted by the other person and that there is no judgment in your relationship.

You don’t have to become a chatterbox to effectively communicate. Simply checking in with each other regularly is important. Clarify things as needed or if many topics have been covered summarize back what you have heard to make sure you got it all.

Please avoid absolute language like “always” and “never”. Using “I” statements that describe your feelings instead of “you” statements that often make the other person feel attacked can really improve communication and keep the communication open and flowing.

Getting good at laughing at ourselves is a necessity in my book, often we take ourselves way to seriously. A sense of humour in the face of the everyday stuff, can be very powerful for your relationship with yourself and with your partner. It allows for creative solutions to otherwise challenging situations. Learning how to laugh at yourself and learning to not take life too seriously can create some very fun evenings that you will both be talking about for years to come.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!

The caveat here is to communicate with the intention of understanding or being understood. Communicating what is going on for you without attacking or criticism is important. Your partner needs to know when they have stepped on your boundaries or when they have harmed you. Be specific about what it is that bothered you or what is going on for you. You are BOTH individuals that deserve to be treated well and sometimes we make mistakes and occasionally we hurt each other unknowingly. You need to share your needs in a calm and non-critical way. You also need to make space for your partner to share their side of the story. If you both can understand where you are coming from then you will know how to take care of each other in the future.

Avoid the complain game to your friends, your family or your partner’s family about them. Even though you think these comments might be made in confidence, the criticism about your partner will be felt by them. Somehow we all know when we have been spoken about in a critical way. Even if we are not present, we still know. This can be a powerful force on your relationship. Unless you are being harmed in a way that requires the help of friends and family, keep your personal complaints between you and your partner. So, if your partner is sloppy around the house, do not share this with friends and family either in front of or behind your partners back. If you are seeking real help to resolve the situation, then you might want to speak with a coach or another qualified individual who can be constructive and objective in solving your situation. Remember you cannot take back what you have said once you have said it and other people, family or friends may hold on to or judge your partner or could cause an issue by giving unwanted advice or criticism.

When couples stop communicating, they become roommates instead of soul mates and might ultimately get their needs met elsewhere.

Ask yourself these questions …

• How would you rate the communication in your primary relationship, marriage, partnership or last relationship?
• How could you improve your communication?
• What attitude could you choose to develop which would assist you in being more compassionate and patient?
• Are you complaining to others? Will you stop?
• If you have issues which need attention are you willing to get professional help?

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